I make my mind my friend
The question is always this: you give your energy and attention to so many people, how do you get your bucket filled? I used to want to grow wings and fly away when that question would be asked. I felt like the answer I had to give wasn't profound or magnificent. I didn’t have a special sauce for filling my bucket up. I don’t climb big mountains or sit in meditation for long stretches of time. I don’t do crossword puzzles or get my sweat on at CrossFit.
In fact, I don’t fill my bucket at all. I empty it.
I zone out. I don’t have any thoughts.
I’ve learned to make my mind my friend.
Sounds silly, but that’s what has happened.
I get so much energy by giving so much energy out. And then I recharge by zoning out, being still inside. It’s not even something I put discipline into. If I have space, I’ll put headphones on and listen to my favorite tunes usually on repeat. In the evenings I’ll come home and cook. And my mind goes blank. It really does. It works for me.
It’s not special by any means. It just is.
The first time I really noticed this zone-out was when I moved to London in February 2009 after leaving my very full life in San Francisco where I had been for 18 years. I had been offered a great job and I put my bravery boots on and off I went.
I arrived in London and didn’t know a soul, only the faces I was meeting at work on a daily basis, and thus I spent A LOT of time alone. Riding in the top of the bus, in the front seats, headphones on; I dealt with pangs of homesickness and alone-ness by finding my place of belonging on the big red buses, watching my emotions come in, grab hold of my organs, and then leave… all on a bus trip.
And then I would do it again. Headphones on, another bus ride checking out another historical landmark, watching my emotions come in, grab hold of my organs, and then leave. The peace would come and my mind would empty.
It became a kind of meditation for me, without knowing it, I was self-soothing. And what was left was the warmth of a smile.
And this has stuck. 10 years later, I am still zoning out. Nothing going on in my head.
And now I have confessed…
I don’t fill my bucket. I empty my bucket, so there is more space for living.
